Crash Boom Bang

So I experienced my first car crash.

It was early dawn and we were speeding down the open road with an absolute sense of alacrity. It was a classic case of mis-judgement of the speed of the truck in front of us. By the time the realization sunk in,that his truck was too slow or my car too fast-I already knew its too late.

The screeching of the brakes have never been so deafening, and yet my eyes only focussed on the car speeding towards the back of the truck.

Not once could I close my eyes, not once could I blink- all I could think was 'this is it'

Going...going..gon...Bang

And I saw...I saw the side of the truck upheaving the bumper, I saw the bonnet being crumpled like a sheet of paper, I saw the trucks blue edge shattering the windscreen.....and then I saw the truck diminishing in the distance.

----

It may have been ironic that a black cat crossed our path as we left, but what was even more ironic was that noone was injured. The car was completely rammed-but we were fine.

And as we towed the car away, I saw the expressions of people staring aghast at the car-wondering how did they ever manage to crash it like that,thinking the same thought I always had 'this will never happen to me'.

----

I trembled even after everyone told me it is okay,

I trembled even after feeling the warm sun scorch down on me,

I trembled even after the usual cup of calming tea,

I trembled.....until I entered our usual adda and I saw that the people dearest to me were fine.

And we spread ourselves across the floor,over chai and maggi, watching tv as always...cuz we are those who will stick through the highest highs and the toughest lows.

To: our srk, 25, hookah man, dj, jithe, bhaii, universal bhabhi...Love you guys.

So you're down in the dumps

So I'm down in the dumps, and there are those basic set of things to do...

1. Get a massage
I woke up in the morning and pondered, a head and shoulder massage would do. Close by, easy, and not too heavy on the pocket. So I strolled down to my regular parlour and found that Republic Day seemed synonymous with waxing day, the whole place was brimming with chattering people. I entered the cabin only to hear(rather see) belly laughter-I named her jiggle cheeks the second I saw her. (I hate sharing a cabin, even when I dont want solitude. )And the massage began...Jiggle cheeks updated the girls on how the latest casting couch was doing it from the back, Akshay insisted on it with Katrina, it was always Shahrukhs favourite (which explains why he has begun to resemble an ape i suppose). By the end of all the orgys the only thing that was lighter was my wallet.

2. Meditate

My room is peaceful- it really is, all I do is look at my blue walls and feel happy. What is not at peace however is my head. So I try to sit in an upright position and concentrate (not to be unfair, maybe the massage did a bit of good by making me tad drowsy). The thoughts move (just like when they show a conversation in that 70's show and camera moves from hyde, to eric to kelso and back to hyde) I think of light, a calm Buddha, and Jiggle cheeks. Jiggle cheeks is orchestrating a menage a trois with Akshay, Katrina and herself! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa.

3. Read

Nothing like a good book. I started a book called 'Lovely Bones'. It went on to unravel a story about a 14 year old who was brutually raped inspite of her 99 please dont hurt me's, and then murdered with a razor and shaving cream.

Just the kind of thing to lift me up. Next.

4. Shop

How easy is that, especially when youre a girl! So I set out with full intention of breaking my 2007 resolution of 'you donot go bezerk buying shoes when depressed'. I entered the usual linking road haunts and began browsing around. Its always amused me to see the way the man shouts a number and a shoe is just dropped down from a hole in the ceiling. So much so I was right under staring at the man, and was oblivious to the fact that he was staring at me back. Unfortunately a bemused child staring vis a vis a woman staring doesnt quite give the same connotation, and in his daydream joota no do so taitalees kaala colour came flinging down.

- - - - - - - - - - -

So I've decided next time I'm down i the dumps...I'm going to stay that way!

Grey turned to Black

let me drift, yest i dreamt the sweetest
my reality was but a dream,
the centre of the ice was only the warmest,
the focus of the flame, cool is seem.

but you arose me, gold of dawn
as the coarse war dust slack
and i surfaced to a world
Grey had just turned to Black

Just another evening...

Just another evening by my window

The sun blazed the whirlwinds fest

Yet how long will the fury last for

Will the fire burn after the sun has set

Tree Huggin'

I admit. Its my new therapy-go hug a tree.

It all started one day, early morning walk in the garden behind my home.At 6:30am its quite pleasant, the Bombay humidity is still asleep. I decided to speed up a bit, and stumbled. My left hand pressed on to the trunk of the tree-and I a felt an electric vibe. The same vibes I feel when I meditate, the same ones when I practise Vipassana, the same vibes of peace.

The next morning, I tried it again and yet again. I tried it with different trees-it didnt work, just seemed to be this one! I discussed the same with Ani, who exclaimed his mother believes the very same-that trees let out healing and positive vibration.
It went on to become a routine, every morning I go and hold the tree with both my hands. Its no longer an experiment-its a feeling of bliss.

Do I sound nutty? What the hell you'll never know -- go find your hugging tree.

Damned

I have dreams. So it is not your fault.Its mine.

Filmy Ghupchup

So Ani and I are about to leave a party at SoBo, when a girl we chit-chatted with(abt her job in the film ad production) requested to be given a lift home. Sure! hop on, and it began...

Shahrukh Khan is gay. Karan, Manish Malhotra and his orgies are toh regular news,but he keeps picking up young boys from Hum Safar (a gay organization). Dont feel bad about Gauri..she's bi too............N dont ask about Aishwarya, she slept with Amitabh during Mohabatein days-n now married to Abhishek cheeeee. n ofcourse she slept with that full-of-boils face Subhash Ghai for Taal..............Preity is a chain smoker is not the eye raising fact but shes hooked onto cocaine, all that bubbly nature is cause of the bubbles she sees post hash............Shaahid slept with Vidya Balan, so Kareena ditched him,n poor K is made out to be the bitch............oh one of the best couples is Anil Kapoor-no rumours/affairs so far........Akshay Kumar toh cheats left right n centre-slept with everyone............n Aamir is nice,he didnt have any affairs until his marriage with Reena was rocky-the longest one being with Nandita Das.......if you believe Salman is loyal.dead loyal.Katrina is not (Akshay kumar u see)...........n u think the Dubai shows are for the NRI public, noone sees the Sheikh 'Maha-boob' in the corner deciding who is going to sleep with. And no actress says no the Sheikhs...........Shilpa Shetty may have official estimated 8 crore earning, but the unofficial money she has earned because of sleeping with sheikhs would put Julia Roberts to shame.....its a million dollar industry out there!........

Oi! I have to get off here. Sccreeeech. Uff!.....

Like the black dust from my lips
that float into space, and laid there
there, until it was time
to come back into the winds
float like a leaf in autumn
to burn back into dust
and land
in the same cold traingle of steel
setting it to light
so to be proved yet again
the anguish is not the way
for I am beyond

For the harsher words are better
than the silent curse
the anguish was not the way
I am beyond.

Infidelity

We gave up our dream
to make a path

between reality and compromise;

Disloyal to oneself

True to the eclipse

And we named it Life

Tagged!! 8 Random things about me

I got tagged..by Non-Sequitur. 8 hard facts it is....

Me on Love
You can love me with all your heart, but if you dont love me the way I want to be loved...then your not happening. Good chemistry, good fun, good looks, good money, good intellect, good nature- you think thats good enough? your still not happening.

Me on Romantic
I love watching construction sites, high cranes, tall buildings. The most romantic moment is being amongst tall skyscrapers, watching them be created block by block. Its just the concept that 'somethings being built'.

Me on Tears
A mere 'shut up' can make me cry. I cry when.. Im upset, angry, very relieved, irritated, im in pain, see loved ones in pain, see strangers in pain. I howl when I see injustice.

Me on Sacred
Life...the only thing I consider sacred on this earth.

Me on my Interests
The only thing thats interests me- is when the interests go on changing. If one cannot be open to try it all, and experience it all-then it cant be interesting enough for me.

Me on Friends
Water thicker than blood....anyday.

Me on Work
As long as I can learn n grow, meet new people id like to know,
As long as the moolah flows in too, Work is all im gonna do!

Me on Spirituality
Its my ultimate goal in life-to set myself free. I believe humans can leave their bodies, walk on water, make the winds change direction,simply do anything one wants to do. As someones favourite quote goes "Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream of things that never were and say-why not"..Yeah!

And Tagged....Parag, 666, Vbv...

Perfection Blues

As you can see...

every hue of joyful blue

is in me!

------------------------------------

As you can see...

a net lies behind me

But am I trapped under it

Or am I free above it

Or I am only,what my mind lets me be?

-------------------------------------

As I can see...

We would be perfect together

But i am imperfect now

So us not being together is perfect

And this fight for freedom...

left bound me forever.

-------------------------------------

Such kinda days...

Remember, when my mom insisted I go all the way into town to buy train tickets for Poona (the days when there was no expressway nor online booking). I was almost irritated being dragged on a public holiday.
I dressed up my casualest best-track pants and a tee; you saw me and said lets goto Pearl of the Orient.And so we did,as the rain beat against the windows,as college students having no money, as I could watch the seas.

Such carefree kinda days...
---------
You remember the day I bunked office for the morning;it was those perfect kind of days-cloudy and cool. We went to watch Shrek, ate at crepe station and drove by the sea-side. I was so happy through out the day.

Such fun kinda days...
---------
Remember, at the snow park, everyone was enjoying all the snow rides. Post 40 mins, we looked at each other and just ran out. Went straight to the tea store and ordered two pots of piping hot chai.Then after few sips, we looked at each other and just laughed.

Such warm kinda days...
---------
You recall the night,post an argument at 1:30 am, we went for a drive. And we drove and drove..out of the city, to the capital, only to discover the gorgeous palace.By 4am I was starved..only to see the Burger King on the opposite side of the freeway, so we drove round and round until the exit, and until I got my bean burger!

Such mad kinda days...
--------
72 floors above Singapore City,drinks at the bar,and a lovely dinner in the outdoors. Then chatting with you about everything and nothing through half the night.

Such treasured kinda days...
-------
I used to be so afraid to sit on your bike. And then we went for a ride, and just rode and rode and rode. From holding onto the bike to holding the winds in my hand.

Such free kinda days...
------

Such kinda days......

Painting the skies

A typical early morning..... no dont imagine sun rise, tweeting birds, or quiet roads. It was a typical working early morning--honking of huge vegetable trucks, the wholesale bhaji walis dashing across the road and the occasional garbage van leaving for their daily rounds.

The car screeched to a halt behind a large yellow "Horn OK Please" , after observing and re-observing the pink lotus designs painted on the truck, the car managed to cut lanes and get ahead.....only this time to be stuck behind "Raja and Rani".

There were a string of taxis-she resigned to the fact that this was going to take a while. The entire stretch of the road is flanked by kothmir and methi (corriander and fenugreek respectively) sellers, and the smell is almost pungent and always gets one coughing.

Overhead the dark clouds floated by, but not a single drop fell, their destination was elsewhere. Her eyes wandered to the further skies a dark set of clouds were approaching covering the sun. She said the word -- 'Ghayath' (rain). Like a chant, Ghayath. The honking stopped, the road blurred, with her whole soul into the power of the word, Ghayath.

The first few drops of rain fell, she continued to chant, and put her hand outside the window to feel the creation. Her eye followed a drop as it fell onto the tip of her finger and slid gently down to the mount of her palm, just then a silver car skidded to a stop in the lane besides her. Her eyes wavered to see the driver, his eye was fixed on the last quarter of the sun going behind the clouds, but his lips were chanting, fervently chanting.

She didn't need to be Nostrodamus to know what he was chanting. The clouds slowly began to turn, and the drizzle grew fainter as the sun glared back onto the now completely covered kothmir street.

Honnnnnkkkkkk-everything came back to life, the babble of the wholesale sellers, the beggar kids playing in the muck, the crude marathi chatter. In that second, the silver car cut into her lane and sped away on the open road ahead. The realization of obnoxious smell lead her into a coughing frenzy, dotted with the abuses from the car drivers behind.

The car purred into the first gear finally, she looked into the rear view mirror and her eyes stopped at the unmistaken sight of the tip of a rainbow. She stopped the car to the side and got out- to see the glorious band of colours stretched across the skies.

She smiled. She sighed.

It would be a long time before she could create a rainbow on her own.

Calling?

My eyes opened, it has been an uncanny dream, and I could feel a frown forming on my brow. The clock on the mantelpiece showed 3:38am. I sat upright and decided to meditate; my thoughts however chose to have me diving under Aussie seas chasing after my P.G.Wodehouse book. 'Blessed night', I cursed, falling back onto my bed.

I flashed back

---

It had been but 2 months back since I was at the Vipassana retreat at Igatpuri. For the un-initiated, Vipassana is a meditation technique promoted by Goenka. This 10 day rigorous course teaches the mind to be alert and notice sensations which emit from the internal body.

Each emotion experienced, we emote a range of sensations-positive vibrations or negative such as pain and discomfort. Every iota of our body is continuously experiencing a sensation which is ever changing. This technique enables one to observe those sensations.

The 10 days of absolute disconnect helps, as does the Arya Maun(complete silence), but not as much as the vibrations of that place.

On the 6th day of my course for the first time I managed to feel complete sensations all over my body, the sensation of a high frequency vibration on every part.

It was also the last time I felt it.

'R' my buddy who sent me there explained it to me, 'You wanted it so much, that you concentrated on recurring the same feeling rather than on what you were actually experiencing.' The main aim of Vipassana is to be detached to all the sensations-good or bad. To acknowledge and to know--that whatever comes...goes.

I confess though once I have been back, it has gotten harder to concentrate.

---

As I feLl back on my bed, I was beyond despair, beyond frustrated-I had simply given up. So I started again-and it came, slowly flowing over my entire skin, engulfing me with vibrations.

It was a blessed night indeed

---

PS- R...owe you one too many

Reminder

Pain...
because it reminds me my purpose on this earth is to never come back.

Shhh

It was her funeral-she was a good soul, even jovial until the end fighting her cancer.

The dastoor(priest) stood there chanting their prayers into the holy fire.One couldnt see their lips as they wore a mouth covering to protect themselves from the intense smoke.

But further behind him-stood she. She the wife of a priest. She who silently mouthed the same prayer but from holier lips.

The whole crowd shut their eyes and concentrated into the fire-except my eyes which didnt leave her face even once.

It is unusual for a member of her community to not be fair, most of the community is light skinned, however she was closer to wheatish-olive. But as the intensity of the fire grew, the chants grew louder and louder, I saw her face radiate a white light. A light like I had never seen.She left the room immediately.

I wanted to go upto to her and ask her, and yet my instinct told me otherwise, and my heart screamed for me to stay put. A few moments later she returned-wheatish olive.

I confided in a close relative, and told her what I saw. Her eyes widened and turned to me,
"You saw!" she said, and then added firmly 'one never discusses ones spiritual power, when you have to learn it-it will come to you, but donot ask.'

My eyes were filled with tears, because I was so close to finding a source and yet now an eternal wall had been built. Because what I truly want is to radiate more light than she did.

Her voice softened 'Its called khote (khot-teh) which means Aura, when one reaches a higher spiritual side. But we donot speak about it'

We donot speak about it. So shhhh.

Transcending Space

It was a hot day, but I felt refreshed almost as soon as I entered the room. There were straw mats laid all over, spiritual music played softly in the background and one could hear the melodious sound of flowing water. The walls of the room covered with art works depicted the elements of nature in tune with the Gods and Godesses.

Satish Gupta's latest collection-Cosmic Matrix II transcends his previous.

Right from the tranquility of Lord Buddha reaching nirvan, the fiery Kali in splashing reds,the holy calligraphically written Arabic scrpit, to the radiating blue shivlingam, Satish Gupta has encaptured the Gods inner force of Space, Fire and Air.

Personal favourite:Transcending Space-A 68" X 48" painting of Lord Buddha in hues of grey.

Inspired from the sculptures at Bayon, the painting depicts the now decayed sculptures test of time by painted cracks all across the face. On a closer look one can see the eye balls of Lord Buddha facing upwards towards the chakra.

Can be viewed at Jehangir Art Gallery, Kala Ghoda, Bombay.

Price Range: INR 400,000-18,00,000.

I just wanna be God

A conversation over diet health food, and a cup of black tea:

'Do you think God is all powerful?'

'Hmmm debatable'

'What about sadistic?'
One eyebrow raised

'I mean why..would anyone who created a world, create so much pain? If God does have the power that people believe he does-why doesnt he heal the sick, lessen the burdens of the heart and why for heavens sake(ironical I use heaven huh) would someone propogate suffering?'

'Well maybe he didnt create the world. Maybe he controls it?'

'If he's just a controller why would he watch innocents being killed, drug abuse, child molestations? How different is a psychopath then? And if he didnt create the world we dont really need to thank him for the beauties of nature.'
'And definately dont give me the bullshit that he created sorrow so that we can appreciate joy. You donot watch women being raped so that she knows what it feels like to be happy'

'Do you even believe in God's existence?'

'I do. I know youre wondering how but I do.I just dont think he has anything to do with my creation or my control over my life, joys and lows.'

'A by-stander?'

'I think he was just a good human being. And when they say he's in us, I believe its in each one of us to be like him. And the ones that reach there, join him-the rest get stuck in the rigmarole of earth and life. '

'We consider God as a superpower'

'No, he was just like us-you and me, except he learnt how to direct the power of his mind'

'He's human, and Im human--how?'

'You dont get it, he's human alright, you're not human enough'

'Whats your point?'

'To be complete human, is to be like God-completely one with the universe.Its the ultimate achievement.'

'And how can we be 'more' human?'

'I dont know. Thats what I want to find out but I just dont know how......'

Its 3 am...

It was 3am.

One of those typical nights in Bombay, hot and humid with a few gusts of breeze bringing relief into the night.

Standing by the black granite window sill she could see the dark blue city blending into the black sky. The empty road was lit by a flickering bulb, not a soul in sight-except for the watchman who had fallen asleep hours ago. Not a bird stirred, nor a dog bark, just 2 voices talking over the telephone.

'I wish I could be with you right now'
'Me too, but you know its impossible for me to get out at this hour. Where were you?'
'I was out with my friend-just chilling together, he and I hadn't met up in long'
'Hmmm'
'Kya hua?'
'Now I just wish I could see you'
'Im below your house'
'What??'
'Do not lie'
'Im below your house'
'Right, crap'
'You'll see and hear me in exactly 3 seconds'

HONK! A white car sped past across the road.

Not a single leaf rustled,the drowsy moon didnt peek out from the clouds and the sleeping dogs lay. But her whole world had arisen to his love.

And she wonders

She had planned it all out, all at the age of 13-it had to be Commerce, arts was for the not-so-clever and science was for the geeky. It had to be south mumbai-that was where the good crowd was, and it was the place to be.

She did just that.

During college, it had to be BMS-cause that was the course which gave the practical aspect, and post that it had to be a job-MNC only.

She did just that.

M.B.A was a must-for the people one meets, for the learning, for the paycheck, for the pride. The job that followed had to be front office-MNC only.

She did just that.

She had determined-she would work hard, she would be liked, she would slog, and she would rise.

And she met him. And it all shattered.

She saw someone who lived for a desire, for a dream. There was no routine, no assured return, no concrete plans. The job was not a chore and the existence was not a question mark. It was effortless, natural drive and through inner vision. Work was love, and life was fulfilled.

He lived his passion.

And she wondered-could she ever just quit to follow a dream? what courage it would take to pursue a desire? Give it all up-all the years she had planned for-just to follow an instinct?

Would she ever be able to live her passion?